In recent times, social networks have been able to function as bridges between groups of people with similar ideologies and have also proven to be the most efficient tools for advertising and the radical spread of intellectualism. Consequently, there seems to be a never ending temptation to show off wealth and knowledge on social media as a way of boasting our ego and measuring up with others. This phenomenon has gradually been elevated into a lifestyle dubbed ‘wokeness’ and here’s a guide for the social media newbie on attaining this revered lifestyle.
PACKAGING
This basically deals with the presentation of your profile; it is your CV into the realms of wokeness. In your profile picture, wear a straight face, do not smile, this would make you look unserious. Put on a pair of recommended glasses (for this, you can get a cheap pair of Ray Bans in traffic). Take the picture while standing next to a bookshelf or while sitting behind a desk in your office or a friend’s office if you don’t have one. If you prefer a picture taken outdoors, then let it be in black and white. This would present you as a very serious person.
In your bio, use lofty high-sounding words like bibliophile, polemicist, non-conformist, feminist e.t.c. Then, be a professional, this can be in any field, just let the title sound fabulous, something along the lines of content creator, web developer, life coach, brand strategist and social media facilitator.
Next, have a web address attached to your profile: don’t fret, this is quiet easy. Sign up on WordPress or Blogger, you don’t necessarily need to have anything on the blog (Quick tip: Put up a notice there that reads ’THIS WEBSITE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION’). Make sure the blog has a catchy title, something like Joespeaks, AmaraWrites and TimothyThinkTank would be just fine.
FOLLOW TRENDS/HASHTAGS
Always update your knowledge of trending hash tags. Have as many as possible stored up in your arsenal, post something every day, recycle old jokes from Twitter and always find something to complain about; corruption, bad infrastructure, religion, fraudulent data plans from network providers, Black lives matter, LGBTQI rights, gender roles, the list is endless. Just complain!
HAVE AN OPINION
Have an opinion on any trending topic; APC, IPOB, Bring Back Our Girls, Operation Python Dance, Brymo’s butt, Tithing, anything. Just have an opinion, it doesn’t matter whether it’s your field or not, you don’t have to do any research either (many persons don’t bother to verify if information gotten from social media is reliable or not), just keep your bashing game on and always stick to your opinions even if you don’t have valid points to back up your arguments. Challenge anyone who opposes you, if they call you out, block them and make a long post about how you don’t argue with fools and spice it up with a few lies about how your friends have been begging you in your DM to forgive the person and unblock him or her.
TELL STORIES
Always spice up your profile regularly with stories of your daily experiences, of how you had to deal with the crap of lower class Nigerians. How the conductor tried cheating you the day you entered a Danfo because your car broke down and the Uber guy did not show up on time, how you were on the ATM queue and one woman from Ilesha asked you if the queue is for deposit or withdrawal.
ADDENDUM
-Have a clique of friends/followers who share similar ideas with you, who will write ‘deep’ and ‘nice one’ on any post you make and pounce on anyone who counters your opinion.
-Take pictures in beautiful and well-lit places; cinemas, hotels and conference rooms. Download photo editing apps, filter your pictures very well and attach totally unrelated quotes whenever you upload them. Never acknowledge the authors of such quotes, it will diminish your wokeness.
-Always end your posts with phrases such as; ‘sense we nor kill me’, ‘just saying’, ‘lemme just come and be going’ and ‘well, what do I know?’
I wish you well in your journey to wokeness. Do have a great day.
Originally published on Agog.ng (March, 2018)
